Why am I so needy?

      In life it seems like we are always stumbling from one crisis to the next.  Even if there is nothing really "wrong" or threatening, somehow there is always a negative that we can choose to obsess over.  As I meditate and do more yoga, body and mind awareness becomes second nature.  What this means expressed in the life I'm living, is that I've begun to notice I seem to be needy all the time.
      Now, I'm sure it's not a new pattern, but I've been pretty self-critical about it.  I mean, really, isn't this something one gets over?  The good news is, according to Abraham Maslow in The Maslow Business Reader , no, I'll never get over it.  Needing is the human condition.
       Somehow when I learned all of this in leadership classes, I missed the part that said to exist is to desire more and better (or more likely, I just applied this to others, not myself).  Maslow states "...when a need is fairly well satisfied, the next prepotent ("higher") need emerges in turn to dominate the conscious life and to serve as the center of organization of behavior, since gratified needs are not active motivators  Thus, man is a perpetually wanting animal."  To restate simply, there is always going to be the next need. Those are the words of divine freedom.
   Even the yogic practice of vairagya or non-attachment (learning to let go of the many attachments, aversions, fears, and false identities that are clouding the true Self) is in pursuit of our need for self-actualization.  I guess it's not just me after all.

Weed On! or, an interesting meditation I learned while on hands and knees in my garden

Spring...
     I just love it. From the gentle warmth to the rains bringing such beautiful flowers.  With these flowers, though, come the weeds. This year my gardens are full of a wild mustard (see that bright green river of growth, that filled the entire cleared area below and the black 25 gallon container is the 4th I have filled this week!).  How to turn all of this time to good use for my soul?
     For me, this year has been like the children's book What good luck! What bad luck!  It has been filled with both great blessings and great trials.  As the most recent trial began I realized that I had run out of emotional stability about one challenge ago.  Through the months I have turned to yoga and meditation for peace (when I remembered to) and used reiki to remove the blocks around the present challenge, but I never got to the root of the problem, the way I allow the world and events to change my emotional state.  Having a passing irritation or moment of anger is fine, but it is not a place to remain.
     If my goal is emotional stability, the ability to change "I am angry" to "I am feeling angry," how do I do it in this moment, on my hands and knees in the garden? I decided it was time to watch the thoughts like clouds in a summer sky.  Each thought I would name, describing the texture, just like saying 'this cloud looks like a dog or a dragon.'
    The results shocked me.  I couldn't believe how many of my thoughts were negative, from irritation at the kids across the street who were trash talking while playing basketball (in other words, being teenage boys) to  negative observations about the world.  What was interesting is none of the negatives were about the 'drudgery' of weeding.  Being truly present to the day was very peaceful, commenting on the day was actively upsetting.
   I began an interesting practice.  When a thought would come up, I would mentally set it on a hot rock in the sun and let it evaporate like a drop of water.  It felt gentle and loving and also gave my mind a positive, warm, strong place to relax.  The interesting thing is I no longer noticed the boys across the street at all. after all, I love teenage boys having raised two and adopted several others as children of the heart.
    So here is my challenge to you.  Sometime when you are doing something mindless like weeding, washing dishes or driving to a familiar place, begin to notice your thoughts.  Characterize them, maybe by something as simple as positive or negative.  After this becomes easy, set the thought somewhere warm and loving and let it evaporate.  Welcome the present into your life.  Namaste

Create the world you want to live in

   "With our thoughts we create the world..."  Turns out the Buddha was right, who knew?
     Last week we were out on the East Coast for a funeral and decided to drive straight through all night to get home (I needed to hug my cat).  My husband and I each took turns driving for an hour, then dozing for an hour.  This meant that I had nearly four hours of complete quiet to think, both a good and a bad thing.  I love the quiet, but driving through the night in hilly Pennsylvania and West Virginia is not for the faint at heart.  Add to this my lack of depth perception and I expected to be hyperventilating all night.
     I have been doing a lot of meditation recently, and decided to "test drive" the idea that I create my own world rather than just reacting to stimulus.  The outside world would not change.  I'd still be on the turnpike, but I'd change how I felt about the whole experience.
      As I said before, my eyes are not the best so driving by trucks and the constant glare from all of the reflectors along the road always makes me nervous.  Am I going to hit something? Are they going to hit me? Sure hope not.  The change I made was to decide that the truck drivers were professionals and they were going to guide me through the twists and turns of the road.  The reflectors were kind guides, pointing the way the road was going.  It was saying "I'm in God" rather than pleading "God please help me."
     As I thought these thoughts my shoulders would drop, my back and legs relax, and I had a feeling I can only describe as "freshness."  When my mind wandered, the shoulders would creep up, the fears kick in strongly and the adrenaline would flood my body.  It was remarkable.  Such a good way to practice mindfulness.
     So, next time you have something you fear, see if you can find a way to make it kind. Imagine the whole world is arranged just to support you.  It's a great place to be.

The Power of Loving Kindness

   Some days life is amazing.  It gives you a challenge you think that you can't overcome, and yet somehow you do.  Or you are faced with a situation that a few years (or even months) ago would have crushed your spirit, but here you are doing okay.
    Today was that day.  To the left is my Facebook post.  "Be careful with  your words.  Once they are said, they can be only forgiven, not forgotten."   In a true stroke of irony, this was the post that pushed one of my long time acquaintances over the edge. There were several comments, one of which was to persuade all of the people who read it that both yoga and reiki are hoaxes, if not evil.
     We all get to have our own opinions, but not on my professional page (she said indignantly).  With the first comment, I worked through with loving kindness, using my favorite prayer-" Dear X,
I love you, I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you."  This prayer acknowledges that in any relationship (or cyber quarrel) there are two parties.  It lets me take responsibility for my half of the relationship and heal myself.  I was doing okay, maybe patting myself on the back.

 Unfortunately, there were four more comments to follow.  Let's just say that all of the sudden I realized I was hyperventilating, felt wounded and misunderstood.  In that instant I had a divine "teaching moment."  It was like God had reached down and rearranged my mind.  If the statements were hurtful, it revealed some underlying uncertainty in my mind, some need for validation from an outside source.
     After spending some time rolling around in my hurt, because I needed to walk through it rather than sweep it under the carpet, I have come to realize what a gift this is.  I know where I need to work on myself.  Even more it revealed the power of this prayer for healing.  There was no need to run away from the situation, but rather to pray my way through it.  I hope that this experience is as great a blessing to the one who sent the messages.