Life in Your Years

      Last night I had the most amazing realization.  This December 7th, Pearl Harbor Day, my father in law turns 93.  I never really thought about it much, it was just a number, right?
      I am 47, this means that my father in law is almost twice as old as I... So everything that I have done, being born, going to school, serving in the Navy, marriage for 24 years, raising two children who are now off to college, that's only half of his life!  Seriously, who knew?

From National Geographic, May 2013

       I have been doing lots of research into longevity and happiness this past year.  It's not so much that I want to live forever, but I do want to be vigorous and happy.  What I'm looking for is captured in the picture at left.  It is of Rae Kline at age 83.  The caption in the magazine says "'A perpetual motion machine' is how Kline, of Solana Beach, California, describes herself.  An early advocate of yoga in the U.S., she demonstrates knees-to-ears pose.  Her daily exercise includes a mile swim, and hour of biking, and a four mile beach walk."
      That's what we are talking about.
       Okay, so far I still can't do this pose, but I am ready keep trying and embrace the exuberance that I see in her life.  Want to join me?

Don't Carry the World in Your Shoulder

     I had the most interesting experience attending yoga class Friday.  It was a great class, but as is usually the case, the student (yes, me) didn't just learn the lesson that the teacher taught, but rather what she was ready to hear (finally).
     Today was a rainy foggy day.  It took a full hour to drive the 22 miles to class.  On the way there I kept thinking how nice it would be to do a class full of heart opening poses and meditations.  November has been a full month with both highs and lows, and my heart could use some help.
     I was late, so had to wait outside until the chanting and meditation were over.  Fortunately, I go to class with my Mom, so she had saved a space for me.  I unrolled my mat and began class.  One of the students who had been on time must have asked for heart openers, because she began the class I desired.
     Our instructor, Wendy, is a great teacher.  She carefully sequences classes and adds thoughtful observations.  I began to notice that as my heart grew more open, my chest and shoulders expanded and my neck began to complain.  Not only did it hurt, but it said 'if you don't stop now I am going to have my revenge soon.'  Let's just say my neck has quite a personality.

    Fallen caryatid carrying an urn

             Auguste Rodin

     I felt like Rodin's Caryatid, crushed under the weight of the building she was trying to hold up. I finally gave up on class and laid down on the floor for seriously early savasana.  Now I always tell my students to stop when they need to, but in my heart I was wishing to finally get to do all things. Here I am, however in the body I have it it just can't, yet.  So everyone else around me continued with the class and I lay down.
     Laying down in savasana, as a teacher, I always talk about how it puts together the class, settles it in the body.  In moving, I had felt this deep resistance inside my shoulder to letting go.  I've done a lot of traveling to and from my in laws and seeing my father in law who has dementia.  I have lots of issues inside that shoulder and it didn't seem to want to let go.
      I just laid down on the floor in a receptive posture.  It took a long time for everything to relax down into the floor.  When it did, I intellectually poked around into this resistance in my shoulder and in my heart.  Usually I feel that resistance because there are things that I haven't really admitted that I am thinking.   As I spent time with it feelings arose.
      Part of it was this deep sorrow for my father in law, who is in no way living the life he wanted for himself, although now he's actually pretty content.  Dementia seems to be a pretty happy place for him because he has let go of his worries.  My inner concern is a bit selfish, but I couldn't help feeling that if he were my age (which he was at one time) this is not where he would want to be.
       When I looked deeper into my heart I realized that I also felt lost, like a child running around a huge department store who cannot find her parents.  This is his path and it is not my job to fix it, though I do so love fixing things.
        In this case the 'a ha!' moment did not lead to resolution, just awareness.  Now, what to do?  I imagined that I was a child and sat on God's lap and leaned my head in and let myself feel sad and lost. When I felt His love come towards me, that good feeling was too big a leap. I wasn't ready to feel good. I thought maybe I'll just rest, rather than receive all that love.  When you are down, the step up to content is leap enough.
      Then I just... rested.

       What's funny is my shoulder hurts more now, because it has more mobility and the muscles have been so tightly clenched they don't want to deal with the freedom.  In the last two days I have spent time meditating and relaxing to solidify the gains.  Nothing makes the situation better, but at least now I am not making it worse.
     It was a very, very interesting savasana.

Fallen caryatid carrying an urn
Auguste Rodin

What I learned from a dog in a guitar case...

     My next missive from the road came from October's National Geographic. There was a wonderful photographic story to promote animal rescue.  Theron Humphrey rescued a coonhound named Maddie to travel with.  He discovered she had a talent for perching, on practically anything. Here is his website with all of the Maddie photos.
  Of course, I swooned over the pictures of the cute dog doing anything to please her master.  As I looked more I realized that Maddie is the outward representation of what we all do.  We take  what life brings us, conform to the shape of it while doing our best to remain authentic to who we are deep inside.
     I have been child, student, teen, midshipman, naval officer, mother, teacher, quilter, healer and more, all the while remaining Pam.  When I no longer fit and the parts start to spill outside the case, it's time to try a different instrument.  There are so many to try.
 

Lessons from Mont Royal

      Hello my friends, sorry about the long absence.  I have had the opportunity to do a lot of traveling this fall, but have not quite figured out how to post from the road.  I have a huge stack of clippings, notes and pictures for future sharing. Our first destination is Montreal, Canada.
      One of my first lightbulb moments was walking up Mont Royal.  Now, I'm pretty sure that at 764 feet is is a hill, not a mountain at all, but walking up, it felt like mountain enough for me.  One of the first things that I noticed was the beautiful stone works and steps.  There were beautiful cobblestone gutters to divert the rain, steps to preserve the hillside and a gravel road for the cars.  Many people were using the rockworks for their daily run and, of course, there were those of us who were strolling.  It was lovely and friendly.
       When I looked more closely at the gutters, it sparked an interesting thought.  All of this work to funnel the rainwater was an effective means of preventing erosion. It reminded me of how the mind works. There are mental paths that I take to create supper, clean house, work with clients, deal with unpleasant memories.  All of them working to make daily life a bit smoother and easier on me.  Some of them are carefully crafted and work well; others, not so much...

        I like the ease of going to the fridge, seeing what's inside and crafting a meal.  I like to turn on a good book on tape and cleaning the heck out of a room.  I love to work with clients.  This dealing with the past thing could use improvement.
       I see life as a work in progress, always striving to use my talents better and shed the attitudes and ideas that no longer serve me.  This fall  has felt like a struggle against negative traits, while all along the observer in my mind has been saying "those are gifts."
      Back to my 'mountain.'  As I got closer to the top, the carefully crafted channels went from cobblestone to rough rocks to completely non- existent.  The path was actually eroding.  It reminded me of the areas in my life that need more work.

   We create this careful crafted day that serves us for a time, but then the kids go off to school, the house changes, the business focus shifts and life needs to be reshaped to fit.  At first it is daunting and seems to take forever with all sorts of little things that used to be great slipping away.  And the bits that you dislike become more prominent, capturing attention.  Seriously, I've been working this long and here is where I am?
      In that moment of irritation is the possibility of great change.  The revelation of the road.   As I walk this road I am continually surprised by what I believe deep down and how changeable these deep beliefs are.  Now, I did not say it was easy, but really, who knew?  Now is time to dig the rain gutters higher up in the mountain.
   
Author's note:What is interesting about this post is how the pictures look completely different in this post than when they were originally full screen. If I were presented just these pictures, the story I would write is very different.  Also, I wrote the post a month ans a half ago. As I transcribe from my notebook, it feels wrong (or perhaps, inauthentic) because I have moved to a completely different place in the intervening time.  It's a bit hard to post, but still feels authentic to where I was... It's something I have noticed in all of my journals and in reviewing this blog.  There are moments of truth I love to relive, nuggets of wisdom that I have forgotten and the bewilderment that I ever thought that way.  I guess it's how you measure growth.  Hope you enjoy, Pam