Who Am I?

     Today I had the most interesting experience. There are five or six posts in varying stages of completeness, but this idea is so fresh and transient that I need to catch it.
     I just came back from an appointment with a personal shopper. I can't even believe I said that. But, if you are lost, doesn't it make sense to consult a professional?
     Last year I lost 38 pounds, fasted tor two weeks, gained 6 back because people said I looked too skinny, was diagnosed with low thyroid and fibromyalgia,  then gained 10 more from taking Lyrica. I had a serious identity problem. I'd look in the mirror and say who is that? Not, what an ugly girl or look at the wrinkles and flab, just, who is that? Then I got a bad haircut. Things had reached critical mass. Something had to be done.
     So I went to my local professional, Lucy the Personal Shopper, and spent a few hours discovering the answer to my question. When I arrived she had seven outfits arrayed around the room. It was great, and also a bit disappointing. They were a little 'meh.' Kind of everywoman's outfit. Nothing special. But she didn't know me, so maybe there was more. We spent a while discovering sizes and tastes, but things still seemed to be so bland.
     Turns out, this time of year is mostly wardrobe staples, so the clothes in stock were fairly vanilla. And that was a good thing. Who knew?
     When Lucy had to leave to take care of another client, I had a few moments alone in the room. I sorted through the clothes we tried out. Which would I really wear with confidence? Which made me smile? I changed the arrangement on the bar several times and finally ended up with four disparate pieces that actually told the story I came in to hear.
     A coat. Athletic pants. A striped t-shirt. A dress.
     Not the coordinated wardrobe I purchased last time. The coat reminded me of a robe my sister in law had years ago, that I always thought looked so warm and cozy. The pants were like some that I had worn holes in years ago. The t-shirt was similar to the one I walked in wearing. The dress was a grown up version of one I wore to a party just after graduating college. They were better cut, one step (or many) above their predecessors. Definitely had the same DNA.
     I am the same person I've always been, just a more refined version.
     Just like I tell my clients.
     How had I missed it?

*Author's Note: I wrote a month or so ago about the prevalence of 'sorry' in my writing and speech. Apparently I didn't do a good enough job rooting it out on my own. Now, at a gathering I go to each week, there is 'Pam's sorry jar,' a mason jar for me to put money into each time I say sorry. Thank God for sending friends to help me along the way.

Forgiveness: A Call to Compassion

     It's a bad thing when your auto suggestion on both the phone and computer suggest 'sorry' each time you type the letter 's.' How many times did I have to say sorry to get that to happen? I realized this last February and have spent the last year noticing how often I apologized for things that I had no control over or were just plain silly. It was stunning, and how irritating it must be for those receiving the endless stream of 'sorry's.
     Recently I've been meditating on the Prayer of St. Francis (that's him, of course, with the Wolf of Gubbio, a great forgiveness story). I've always loved the saint and thought his way of life was a good one. But this prayer of his, now this is really interesting. There is only one thing that he mentions twice- pardoning.

"Where there is injury, pardon..."

"It is in pardoning that we are pardoned..."

     In spending more time with the prayer I've come to realize that I am only doing the first, always begging pardon and asking for forgiveness. "Sorry I did this..." "Sorry this didn't work out..." I've never really done the second part, receiving the pardon that was given. When pardon is received, then the emotion, guilt, should leave the memory, so we remember how to prevent the problem, but not feel guilty about the failure.
     The other thing to consider in these phrases is the word injury. The most comfortable people in the world to be around emotionally are the wise, the monks and nuns whose years of study and living in community have made them so forgiving, I never feel like I have injured them. No need to apologize because no offense given.
     Now jump to me, at a conference or a meeting. I feel like I spend my whole time there forgiving the person who keeps clicking his pen or sniffing. How about the person who is perennially disorganized, dropping everything, never finding the pen that is right there? Oh wait, that's me so that one is okay. I keep needing to forgive people for doing things that only offend 'my rules.' Kids running around don't bother me, so that's okay. Those clicking pens and runny noses don't really offend me either. I don't even notice. Here's what bugs me- people who apologize and explain all the time. Me. What drives me crazy is the flaw I am trying to excise from myself.
      In some ways that's a good thing. At least I'm aware. Now that I'm aware, it's time to practice compassion. Time to find a few less thing to forgive and just accept right where they are. How about you? What drives you crazy? What is your call to compassion? Just leave a comment below.

Lessons from the School of Suffering

I'm the one with the red face on the bottom...

     Over the past three years I've been getting a masters degree from a school no one wants to attend, the School of Suffering.
     It feels like I've always had 'structural' issues, maybe stemming from a massive car crash that my future husband and I had back in 1989. 20 years of yoga practice, with 14 as a teacher, have only kept me moving, not fixed the underlying problem. Neither has healthy eating, multiple different types of herbal programs, 9 chiropractors, 3 cranio-sacral practitioners, 6 months of physical therapy, 7 medical doctors, etc etc etc.
    The pain was so constant and intense. Things would hurt so much my muscles would tighten up and pull the bones out of place. The search for a solution was driving me crazy. It is also very expensive. So I've needed to find a new approach, a new way of looking at my problem, making it not a problem, but a gift.
     You see, pain is something you just can't keep ignoring. Wherever you go there it is. You can ignore your children, your spouse, the books you read, your pastor, but pain is always present. It grabs your brain and just won't let go, reminding you to change your ways.
    If this suffering is a gift, what have I received? How am I different from this time last year?

• really clean eating- enough veg just for me that it stuffs the fridge every Sunday (I lost 30 pounds without trying, just cut out cheese...)
• daily walking and tai chi to keep flexible and mobile (not just a promise to do better tomorrow)
• I'm more forgiving towards myself- if I take a long nap in the afternoon because the pain was exhausting, I forgive myself for all the undone things
• now I allow people to help me- when the pain is bad I can't think clearly so I need others to take up the slack. This allows me to be grateful for all the help that surrounds me.

    I was impressed when I added up all the gains I've made in 2016. Without all the pain I could have remained the same. It's time to learn to be grateful for this.

    Are there things in your life you'd like to learn to be grateful for? Or any advice to those of us still learning this lesson? Just put a note in the comments below. I'd love to hear from you,

Don't Worry, Be Happy

     I won't lie to you. I'm so proud of the drawing I did for the YouTube video I could bust. It took three tries (camera angle issues), but here it is in all it's glory.
     It was so much fun to play around with the speeds of the drawings to get them to sync with the audio.  Then I released my baby out into the world unfinished. I forgot to record an ending because I was so proud of the beginning and middle. I've fixed it, but I had to sacrifice the views it already received and fix all the places I posted a link to. Apparently I missed the part of the video where I mentioned focus and doing the things that contributed to the goal. I always teach the things I need to learn...
     On to the real post. I've been practicing what I preach and noticed something wonderful. Every time I drive on the expressway, and when I'm waiting for things, like pages to load on my computer or waiting in line, I give reiki towards my goals.  Great. I've been doing it for a couple of weeks. Also, great. But there is a wonderful side benefit. . The feel of reiki in my head is a very high vibration. Giving reiki makes me happy. Really happy.
     Even though I haven't achieved my goals, I'm happier for long stretches inside my day. It is wonderful. I'd even use the term, unreasonably happy, because there is no reason to be happy, I just am. I have most of the same problems, the same pains, the same things that still need tending to, but now I'm happy for longer stretches of the day. All from just a few minutes of concentrated thinking.
     If you've had an experience like this that you'd like to share, please leave a comment below. Or if you have another suggestion, I'd love to hear it. Until next time, be blessed.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day, 2017

       Each year Martin Luther King Day is a day of reflection in our house, but not for the reasons you might imagine.  Yes, he was a great speaker.  Yes, he was a great leader.  For my husband and I however, this day 24 years ago was a watershed moment in our lives.
         We were living in the Philippines and gone up to Baguio for the long weekend.  Baguio is a beautiful city up in the Philippine tropical pine forest highlands.  It was so cool and pleasant, but getting there was another story.  This is the road up to Baguio.  One would think this is the place where our troubles began.  One would be wrong.  We navigated this crazy, twisty, windy road up and down the mountain with no problems (other than the fingerprints I left in the door handle by griping it so hard).

       Once we got back down to the plains there was a tremendous traffic jam in the middle of rice paddy country.  We were wondering what could possibly cause this kind of traffic so far out in the country.  As we inched forward, we saw it was road construction!  It may have been the only time we ever saw a road being fixed the entire time we lived in the PI.  Turns out, the Filipinos didn't see road construction often either.  After we passed and began accelerating up to highway speed (about 35 mph), a bus going the opposite direction decided he didn't want to wait in line any more and pulled out into our lane without checking for oncoming traffic.
        It was a nearly head on collision.  About four feet of the vehicles overlapped, so we struck one another, then our car pivoted around the impact point, the car flipped and we skidded down the highway upside down.  Thankfully we both walked away, but it is a day that will live in our necks forever....
        The pain (and long term chiropractic visits) have become life long friends and like all friends they bear many gifts.  For me the biggest one has been my lifelong interest in body movement and health.  Without that horrible crash, would I have learned yoga and had my 14 year teaching anniversary?  Without the crash, would I have found reiki?  Without the crash would I have helped so many heal themselves?
        On each Martin Luther King, Jr. Day I find myself thinking of the driver of the bus and blessing him and his family because I am so grateful for the life I now lead.  It is my answer to "life's most persistent and urgent question, what are you doing for others?"  My prayer for you this day is you notice your answer and bless the people who helped you get there.

But I want it. Now! Using Reiki towards goals

    It's definitely that time of year. When you see people wearing 2017 glasses, it's resolution time. I've never really gotten the resolution thing. "New Year, New You!" The calendar changed, not me.
      But here I sit in the midst of a big change. Maybe it's finally time.
      But I need new language- not resolutions, but what about ... goals. Enormous, shoot-the-moon goals and smaller more practical ones. The word goals feels right.
      I set long term and short term goals each year, and have learned that I do better with check boxes and small rewards for weekly goal reaching. I like to play. A lot. The check in the box and eventual reward makes eating salad, again, feel like play. One of my friends has her master’s thesis due soon. She’s giving herself a dollar bill for each day she works on her thesis.
      I’m on a medication that makes most people gain weight, she has her master’s thesis. But what if your plans are not so clear?  There are so many ways to determine goals. Are you into relationships? Think about who you relate to in your three spheres- your work, your family, your friends. Are you into the journey? Think about where you are going in 7 realms- spiritual, personal development, relationship, career/business, financial, health, and your free time/ family.
      Every website has a different way of thinking about it. Find the one that works for you and go with it. Have fun, put on some great music, dance in your kitchen, and pick out some goals, those things most important to you. Write down ten, fifty, one hundred- whatever feels right.
     This year I came up with 26 ‘what would you do if you knew you could not fail’ goals. One I actually already achieved, just two weeks in. Next year I need to think bigger. I narrowed down my dream list to three goals, big hard goals that will change my life for the better.
     And here is the key, the secret sauce that makes it all work, only do things that advance your goal. I’m not the best at this. I tend to say yes when people ask me to do something, but I am getting better. If 80% of my free time is now given to reaching my goals, they come so much closer.
    My other key ingredient is daily commitment. Remember how I like check boxes. I made a really bright pink post it note that moves from day to day in my planner. I give 10 minutes of reiki, every day, to my goals. I think of it like brushing my teeth. Want good teeth, brush and floss. Want your goals give them energy. If reiki is not your thing, give the goals 10 minutes of prayer every day. This practice transformed my marriage several years ago. What you look at and think about is where your energy goes.
     It’s time to make 2017 a year we all want to live in. Blessings and best of luck in your journey.

Affirmations: How to Welcome Positive Change into Your Life

     (Authors note: Yes, I left you at a cliff hanger back in April! I'm so sorry. Turns out I started talking a couple of months before I learned enough to begin. I'll finish telling you about True North Health Center soon.)

      Today we address the age old question, "How can I get what I want if I don't know what it is?"
       It's easy to define what we don't want. That's how the human brain is wired.  To survive, we needed to avoid the dangerous, not run to the joyful. But now my brain lives safely in Union, Kentucky. I do need the sense to come in out of the rain, but more than that, I need to get guidance on living a satisfying, fulfilling life.
      To put it into context, I'd rather not wait in a long line, but do I know how to be content while standing there?
      This all came up because last week I had a great opportunity (or should I say, challenge). I use a meditation program called Holosync. Since I'm not an audiologist or a neuroscience specialist, I'll let them explain the process. "You listen with stereo headphones or ear buds, sitting comfortably with closed eyes (or, if you prefer, you may lie down). Each time you listen, Holosync stimulates a part of each brain hemisphere called the olivary nucleus, taking you into the brainwaves of deep meditation."
      I've had a meditation practice for years, but this takes it to a whole new level. One of the things that they offer is to add custom subliminal affirmations to the recordings. I said "yes, please!" Then realized I had no idea how to come up with affirmations global enough to listen to all day.
     The short affirmations that go with a reiki healing attunement, those I help clients create all the time. Oh, and the ones that help movement based solutions to persistent problems. Oh, yeah, I also teach creating affirmations for reiki grids. How could this be so hard?
     Of course, I went to Mr. Google for help. So many websites, so little help. 10 affirmations for the perfect life. 101 affirmations for your liver. Relationship affirmations for the lonely. It was like taking my 5'3" body into a one size fits all store. All of the suggestions just fell flat. Then I remembered a book I read back in 1999.
       Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Dr. Daniel Amen came to the rescue again. Dr. Amen's One Page Miracle.  This link will take you to the form you can download. It's such a valuable tool.
       I first filled it out in a journal in 1999. What a different person I was then. I do it periodically when it starts to feel like my life doesn't fit anymore.
      When I did an elongated version two weeks ago I realized my big mistake. Somehow with my boys leaving home for college and jobs and my husband's increased travel schedule, I suddenly decided that I should be in charge of everything. Even the things well outside my scope, like health issues, job losses, and any range of other acts of God.
       Now I am a powerful woman, but I can't change the weather yet. Some things (yes, many things) are outside of my scope. The most important affirmation I came up with was around trusting. Trusting God (or insert your favorite term for a higher power here) that things will be taken care of, that it will all work out, somehow. At the time of this writing I can't find my notes, so please by all means, write your own version of trust. And hope. And love. Create the world you want to live in. It's better than you think.

Here's a video of how to make the grid to power your affirmations-