Life in Your Years

      Last night I had the most amazing realization.  This December 7th, Pearl Harbor Day, my father in law turns 93.  I never really thought about it much, it was just a number, right?
      I am 47, this means that my father in law is almost twice as old as I... So everything that I have done, being born, going to school, serving in the Navy, marriage for 24 years, raising two children who are now off to college, that's only half of his life!  Seriously, who knew?

From National Geographic, May 2013

       I have been doing lots of research into longevity and happiness this past year.  It's not so much that I want to live forever, but I do want to be vigorous and happy.  What I'm looking for is captured in the picture at left.  It is of Rae Kline at age 83.  The caption in the magazine says "'A perpetual motion machine' is how Kline, of Solana Beach, California, describes herself.  An early advocate of yoga in the U.S., she demonstrates knees-to-ears pose.  Her daily exercise includes a mile swim, and hour of biking, and a four mile beach walk."
      That's what we are talking about.
       Okay, so far I still can't do this pose, but I am ready keep trying and embrace the exuberance that I see in her life.  Want to join me?

Don't Carry the World in Your Shoulder

     I had the most interesting experience attending yoga class Friday.  It was a great class, but as is usually the case, the student (yes, me) didn't just learn the lesson that the teacher taught, but rather what she was ready to hear (finally).
     Today was a rainy foggy day.  It took a full hour to drive the 22 miles to class.  On the way there I kept thinking how nice it would be to do a class full of heart opening poses and meditations.  November has been a full month with both highs and lows, and my heart could use some help.
     I was late, so had to wait outside until the chanting and meditation were over.  Fortunately, I go to class with my Mom, so she had saved a space for me.  I unrolled my mat and began class.  One of the students who had been on time must have asked for heart openers, because she began the class I desired.
     Our instructor, Wendy, is a great teacher.  She carefully sequences classes and adds thoughtful observations.  I began to notice that as my heart grew more open, my chest and shoulders expanded and my neck began to complain.  Not only did it hurt, but it said 'if you don't stop now I am going to have my revenge soon.'  Let's just say my neck has quite a personality.

    Fallen caryatid carrying an urn

             Auguste Rodin

     I felt like Rodin's Caryatid, crushed under the weight of the building she was trying to hold up. I finally gave up on class and laid down on the floor for seriously early savasana.  Now I always tell my students to stop when they need to, but in my heart I was wishing to finally get to do all things. Here I am, however in the body I have it it just can't, yet.  So everyone else around me continued with the class and I lay down.
     Laying down in savasana, as a teacher, I always talk about how it puts together the class, settles it in the body.  In moving, I had felt this deep resistance inside my shoulder to letting go.  I've done a lot of traveling to and from my in laws and seeing my father in law who has dementia.  I have lots of issues inside that shoulder and it didn't seem to want to let go.
      I just laid down on the floor in a receptive posture.  It took a long time for everything to relax down into the floor.  When it did, I intellectually poked around into this resistance in my shoulder and in my heart.  Usually I feel that resistance because there are things that I haven't really admitted that I am thinking.   As I spent time with it feelings arose.
      Part of it was this deep sorrow for my father in law, who is in no way living the life he wanted for himself, although now he's actually pretty content.  Dementia seems to be a pretty happy place for him because he has let go of his worries.  My inner concern is a bit selfish, but I couldn't help feeling that if he were my age (which he was at one time) this is not where he would want to be.
       When I looked deeper into my heart I realized that I also felt lost, like a child running around a huge department store who cannot find her parents.  This is his path and it is not my job to fix it, though I do so love fixing things.
        In this case the 'a ha!' moment did not lead to resolution, just awareness.  Now, what to do?  I imagined that I was a child and sat on God's lap and leaned my head in and let myself feel sad and lost. When I felt His love come towards me, that good feeling was too big a leap. I wasn't ready to feel good. I thought maybe I'll just rest, rather than receive all that love.  When you are down, the step up to content is leap enough.
      Then I just... rested.

       What's funny is my shoulder hurts more now, because it has more mobility and the muscles have been so tightly clenched they don't want to deal with the freedom.  In the last two days I have spent time meditating and relaxing to solidify the gains.  Nothing makes the situation better, but at least now I am not making it worse.
     It was a very, very interesting savasana.

Fallen caryatid carrying an urn
Auguste Rodin

What I learned from a dog in a guitar case...

     My next missive from the road came from October's National Geographic. There was a wonderful photographic story to promote animal rescue.  Theron Humphrey rescued a coonhound named Maddie to travel with.  He discovered she had a talent for perching, on practically anything. Here is his website with all of the Maddie photos.
  Of course, I swooned over the pictures of the cute dog doing anything to please her master.  As I looked more I realized that Maddie is the outward representation of what we all do.  We take  what life brings us, conform to the shape of it while doing our best to remain authentic to who we are deep inside.
     I have been child, student, teen, midshipman, naval officer, mother, teacher, quilter, healer and more, all the while remaining Pam.  When I no longer fit and the parts start to spill outside the case, it's time to try a different instrument.  There are so many to try.
 

Lessons from Mont Royal

      Hello my friends, sorry about the long absence.  I have had the opportunity to do a lot of traveling this fall, but have not quite figured out how to post from the road.  I have a huge stack of clippings, notes and pictures for future sharing. Our first destination is Montreal, Canada.
      One of my first lightbulb moments was walking up Mont Royal.  Now, I'm pretty sure that at 764 feet is is a hill, not a mountain at all, but walking up, it felt like mountain enough for me.  One of the first things that I noticed was the beautiful stone works and steps.  There were beautiful cobblestone gutters to divert the rain, steps to preserve the hillside and a gravel road for the cars.  Many people were using the rockworks for their daily run and, of course, there were those of us who were strolling.  It was lovely and friendly.
       When I looked more closely at the gutters, it sparked an interesting thought.  All of this work to funnel the rainwater was an effective means of preventing erosion. It reminded me of how the mind works. There are mental paths that I take to create supper, clean house, work with clients, deal with unpleasant memories.  All of them working to make daily life a bit smoother and easier on me.  Some of them are carefully crafted and work well; others, not so much...

        I like the ease of going to the fridge, seeing what's inside and crafting a meal.  I like to turn on a good book on tape and cleaning the heck out of a room.  I love to work with clients.  This dealing with the past thing could use improvement.
       I see life as a work in progress, always striving to use my talents better and shed the attitudes and ideas that no longer serve me.  This fall  has felt like a struggle against negative traits, while all along the observer in my mind has been saying "those are gifts."
      Back to my 'mountain.'  As I got closer to the top, the carefully crafted channels went from cobblestone to rough rocks to completely non- existent.  The path was actually eroding.  It reminded me of the areas in my life that need more work.

   We create this careful crafted day that serves us for a time, but then the kids go off to school, the house changes, the business focus shifts and life needs to be reshaped to fit.  At first it is daunting and seems to take forever with all sorts of little things that used to be great slipping away.  And the bits that you dislike become more prominent, capturing attention.  Seriously, I've been working this long and here is where I am?
      In that moment of irritation is the possibility of great change.  The revelation of the road.   As I walk this road I am continually surprised by what I believe deep down and how changeable these deep beliefs are.  Now, I did not say it was easy, but really, who knew?  Now is time to dig the rain gutters higher up in the mountain.
   
Author's note:What is interesting about this post is how the pictures look completely different in this post than when they were originally full screen. If I were presented just these pictures, the story I would write is very different.  Also, I wrote the post a month ans a half ago. As I transcribe from my notebook, it feels wrong (or perhaps, inauthentic) because I have moved to a completely different place in the intervening time.  It's a bit hard to post, but still feels authentic to where I was... It's something I have noticed in all of my journals and in reviewing this blog.  There are moments of truth I love to relive, nuggets of wisdom that I have forgotten and the bewilderment that I ever thought that way.  I guess it's how you measure growth.  Hope you enjoy, Pam

I Am

   Recently I have been barraged by information by and about G. K. Chesterton who according to Wikipedia was an English writer, lay theologian, poet, dramatist, journalist, orator, literary and art critic, biographer, and Christian apologist.  From a wonderful article in Commonweal, to bible study references, to the documentary I am, he seems to be everywhere.  I've begun to feel that is man must have something to teach me.
     It all came together a few days ago when I was on a long drive alone.  I was thinking about my fears about singing in public.   Probably not a good place to dwell, but definitely a place that I need to visit before I have to sing a solo at church in a few weeks.  The words are very meaningful to me:

O Word of God, come into this space.
O Word of God, come send us your grace.
Open our minds, show us your truth.
Transform our lives anew.

      So I'm going to sing this. In front of everyone.  How to get through it?
      When one feels fear, anger is a step up, a more powerful emotion.  So I think about the government shut down and all of the people who don't understand social justice who go to my church.  I get all self-righteous that those are going to be the people who's minds God opens and transforms.
       Immediately it hits me.  It is my attitude that needs to be transformed.  I apologize to my fellow parishioners, then think back to the Chesterton story that I fell in love with:

“When a newspaper posed the question, ‘What’s Wrong with the World?’ the Catholic thinker G. K. Chesterton reputedly wrote a brief letter in response:
‘Dear Sirs:
          I am.
              Sincerely Yours,
                       G. K. Chesterton.’ ”
–Timothy Keller, The Prodigal God (New York: Dutton, 2008), 46.

       What's wrong with my church?  I am.

What is Valuable?

African dentistry

     I have good friends in Kenya on a dentistry mission, right at the time of a huge hostage standoff in a Nairobi Mall.  Thank God for the modern phone system so I know they are safe, but there is still an overwhelming fear for them.  I look at what they are doing and at the same time my life.  Is it worth it?  As Jesus said (Matt 26:11) "you will always have the poor among you,"  in other words, there will always be another toothache.  Is the work we see in the picture worth the risk.
       I actually wasn't even aware of why I felt down until I looked at my list of thoughts for this post, all of them were about one or two people living their lives for an obscure cause or group of people, all in Africa.  I've been absolutely riveted to the series the Long Way Down, where Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman travel by motorcycle from Scotland to Cape Town.  It wasn't about the bikes for sure, I've seen way too many horrific accidents among my friends.  It is all about the small stories of the people they met.
 years.  To raise one adult black rhino. One.  How do you measure the worth of your days?

waiting line for the dentist

      One of the men was part of a two man team that were raising a baby black rhino.  It's mom was blind, so could not care for the baby.  They worked toe and toe shifts, sleeping right next to the baby rhino, feeding it a bottle every 3 hours.  The care would continue for 4-7
       Later there was the story of the two HIV positive parents who followed the protocol and gave birth to an HIV negative child.  Do you mourn for the dead who only go to the witch doctor or rejoice for the living child?
      Then the well spoken woman who took care of HIV orphans, teaching the origin of the disease and how to avoid it.  She looked very satisfied with her life and sure it was a good thing to do.
     All of these things are important and valuable and remind us that beauty and grace are in all of the small moments in life, not in the Nobel Peace Prize or being awarded a TED talk.  Are they worth the danger?  If it's my life, I always say sure.  When it is my friend's life that I have no control over, well, that's a much harder proposition.  Good thing they make their own decisions.  God Bless to all

In No Particular Order...

 
     This week is devoted to only one book
Drop Dead Healthy: One Man's Humble Quest for Bodily Perfection by A.J Jacobs. In short, what a fun, funny way to review all sorts of medical advice.  I finished the book in 2 days and laughed the whole time.  I had to keep hiding the book so I would go to bed on time or do some other work.  What better recommendation could you ask for?

     This 2 year odyssey was so far-ranging, I couldn't even figure out how to review it.  So, as any good Navy person would do, I cheated (cooperate and graduate).  This review is by 'takingadayoff' from the Amazon.com website:

"Magazine writer A.J. Jacobs calls it "experiential journalism." He takes on seemingly ridiculous, yet intriguing, challenges. He reads the entire Encyclopedia Britannica. He lives the Bible, even the apparently trivial parts, such as not shaving your face. He outsources his life to a team of personal assistants in India.

He learns along the way and shares his discoveries. It's very entertaining. Jacobs has an easygoing and, for someone who writes almost exclusively in first person, surprisingly non-egotistical style. He works hard at his projects, preparing ahead, and doing research throughout. He's a real pro at being an amateur.

In his latest undertaking, he attempts to become healthy. This is more difficult than it sounds. He plans to go from slightly overweight and out of shape to heroic fitness. And that's not all. He also intends to improve the condition of all of his body parts: skin, nose, hands, etc. All this in two years!

One of the first roadblocks he runs into is the sheer volume of information and theories on how to be fit. The second obstacle is that much of the information is contradictory. There is no agreed upon, guaranteed path to health. Even trusted experts don't agree with one another.

But the main impediment to super health is self control. No surprise there. Jacobs manages to overcome the problem with a variety of methods. When he has trouble giving up a favorite snack, he writes a large check to the American Nazi Party and vows to mail it next time he gives in to temptation. He finds this kind of negative motivation very powerful.

Another trick that works for Jacobs, though not as dramatically effective as the negative motivation, is to digitally age a photo of himself (there's an app for that) so that he can better imagine himself in the future. Being able to picture his future self ("old A.J.") helps him to stick to his goals.

He also finds inspiration in two examples in their nineties - his own grandfather who remained involved in community affairs long after his formal retirement, and fitness expert Jack La Lanne, who kept a busy professional schedule, spreading the word about healthy living, right to the end."

     In short, what a fun, funny way to review all sorts of medical advice.  I finished the book in 2 days and laughed the whole time.  I had to keep hiding the book so I would go to bed on time or do some other work.  What better recommendation could you ask for?